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Should I continue?

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Should I continue?

Post by Simian Bull on Tue Mar 20, 2012 8:42 pm

Wazzup guys.
I prolly have the worst self esteem ever, so would you mind giving your opinion/critacisim on this?
Its all I got so far


Prologue

She had never really thought it would come to this. Who would have? I don’t think anypony would have thought she would have gotten this far, considering the circumstances. Or that she would end up saving all of Equestria. Or that she would die in the process. It was her against the world that day, and she came out on top, only to end up six feet under. She gave it all she could give, and then gave out. This is the story of Fluttershy, and how she defeated the ultimate threat to harmony.
This is her story.

Chapter One

Her story actually almost starts with her death. Fluttershy held Angel Bunny close to her chest, and tears streamed down her face. The smoke was really starting to fill the room, and she was running out of oxygen. She could just barely hear the screaming of the mob over the crackling of the fire. She hugged Angel Bunny a little tighter. The celling started to collapse, and Fluttershy prepared for death. A beam from the roof of her cottage fell down, hitting her in the head, knocking her over. As she faded away, the last sounds she heard were the roar of the fire, the roar of the angry ponies outside of her demolished cottage, and the sound of her own flesh burning from the heat.
Then it was quiet.
Fluttershy opened her eyes, unsure of her mortality. Fluttershy was in a completely white room, round and seamless. She looked around even more, searching for a door, or some means of escape. “Where am I?! Whats going on?!” she quietly shouted. she started flying around the room, panicking. A blue orb of light suddenly appeared in the center of her cell, making Fluttershy shriek in shock. The room dimmed, save for the now pulsating orb. It spoke.
“Fluttershy, no need for alarm. We have saved your from your premature death, in hopes you will fulfill your true destiny.”
“Oh, I don’t really think you have the right Fluttershy, I’m sorry.”
“No!” Spoke the orb once more, in its deep, omnipotent voice, “You are Fluttershy, The Element of Kindness, the one from the prophecy!”
“P-p-prophecy?” Fluttershy stuttered. “What prophecy?”
“We do not have the luxury of time Fluttershy. We must hurry, before it is too late.” The orb said, “The fate of Ponyville, no, all of Equestria is in your hooves.”


Chapter Two

Suddenly a door opened in her little room. Fluttershy flew towards it as quickly as she could, but she was stopped at the door by two guard Pegasi. She fell to the ground, shielding her eyes from the glare from the male ponies armor. Looking past the guard ponies, she saw daylight, and trees. The guard Pegasi then grabbed her, and started to carry her towards a cottage. Fluttershy was then in full panic mode. She was gently kicking, and politely screaming and trying the best she could to get away. She finally landed a kick on one of her oppressors snout, causing him to release his grip. Fluttershy flew away, deeper into the Ever-free forrest.
“Halt!! We only wish to help you!” screamed one of the guards after her, but Fluttershy was too fast.
“No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!! Why is this happening??!” Fluttershy chanted as she fled the guards. She realized that she was being chased though. As she dodged tree after tree, she could hear the leaves around her rustle as they passed through them. Flying straight up, to the canopy, Fluttershy chanted her mantra once more: “Why me, why me!?!” She broke through the top of the trees, cringing from the sudden abundance of sunlight. She looked over Equestria, only to dive further into panic.
Ponyville was gone.

Chapter Three

Tears started streaming down her face once more as she saw the current state of Ponyville. Most of the buildings were demolished but there were a few that were still burning, or still being destroyed. She could make out corpses laying about the streets, the corpses of both Ponies and animals. Fluttershy gasped in horror. Her whole town was gone.
She got caught up in her mourning, and was captured by the pegasi. They held her tighter than before, although Fluttershy wasn’t fighting it anymore. She felt defeated, harrowed by the possibility that everyone she knows is dead. Fluttershy was dragged into a small cottage, and dropped on the floor.

thats all i got
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Re: Should I continue?

Post by Fluttershy on Tue Mar 20, 2012 9:20 pm

yes
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Re: Should I continue?

Post by Simian Bull on Wed Mar 21, 2012 2:44 pm

lol...no suggestions to make it better?
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Re: Should I continue?

Post by Timur-Amir on Wed Mar 21, 2012 6:45 pm

Hmm....I might have a few, when I have the time to read it, it sounds interesting
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Re: Should I continue?

Post by Graviton on Tue Mar 27, 2012 1:46 am

Needs.

More.

Words.

Per.

Chapter.



I think that could have been 1 chapter right there, maybe. 1000 words is 100 when you read it and 10000 when you write it.

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Re: Should I continue?

Post by Simian Bull on Thu Mar 29, 2012 12:57 pm

okay, thanks!

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Re: Should I continue?

Post by Timur-Amir on Thu Mar 29, 2012 8:41 pm

Graviton wrote:Needs.

More.

Words.

Per.

Chapter.



I think that could have been 1 chapter right there, maybe. 1000 words is 100 when you read it and 10000 when you write it.

that said, I would hardly advocate for drawing the story out superficially- brevity can be very powerful, and too much fluff is a classic writing pitfall. As for simple amount-per-chapter, though, I have to agree.
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Re: Should I continue?

Post by Simian Bull on Sun Jun 17, 2012 11:29 pm

I changed a few things
and added some stuff
so
here it is:



Prologue

She had never really thought it would come to this. Who would have? I don’t think anypony would have thought she would have gotten this far, considering the circumstances. Or that she would end up saving all of Equestria. Or that she would die in the process. It was her against the world that day, and she came out on top, only to end up six feet under. She gave it all she could give, and then gave out. This is the story of Fluttershy, and how she defeated the ultimate threat to harmony.
This is her story.

Chapter One

Her story actually almost starts with her death. Fluttershy held Angel Bunny close to her chest, and tears streamed down her face. The smoke was really starting to fill the room, and she was running out of oxygen. She could just barely hear the screaming of the mob over the crackling of the fire. She hugged Angel Bunny a little tighter. The celling started to collapse, and Fluttershy prepared for death. A beam from the roof of her cottage fell down, hitting her in the head, knocking her over. As she faded away, the last sounds she heard were the roar of the fire, the roar of the angry ponies outside of her demolished cottage, and the sound of her own flesh burning from the heat.
Then it was quiet.
Fluttershy opened her eyes, unsure of her mortality. Fluttershy was in a completely white room, round and seamless. She looked around even more, searching for a door, or some means of escape. “Where am I?! Whats going on?!” she quietly shouted. she started flying around the room, panicking. A blue orb of light suddenly appeared in the center of her cell, making Fluttershy shriek in shock. The room dimmed, save for the now pulsating orb. It spoke.
“Fluttershy, no need for alarm. We have saved your from your premature death, in hopes you will fulfill your true destiny.”
“Oh, I don’t really think you have the right Fluttershy, I’m sorry.”
“No!” Spoke the orb once more, in its deep, omnipotent voice, “You are Fluttershy, The Element of Kindness, the one from the prophecy!”
“P-p-prophecy?” Fluttershy stuttered. “What prophecy?”
“We do not have the luxury of time Fluttershy. We must hurry, before it is too late.” The orb said, “The fate of Ponyville, no, all of Equestria is in your hooves.”
Suddenly a door opened in her little room. Fluttershy flew towards it as quickly as she could, but she was stopped at the door by two guard Pegasi. She fell to the ground, shielding her eyes from the glare from the male ponies armor. Looking past the guard ponies, she saw daylight, and trees. The guard Pegasi then grabbed her, and started to carry her towards a cottage. Fluttershy was then in full panic mode. She was gently kicking, and politely screaming and trying the best she could to get away. She finally landed a kick on one of her oppressors snout, causing him to release his grip. Fluttershy flew away, deeper into the Ever-free forrest.
“Halt!! We only wish to help you!” screamed one of the guards after her, but Fluttershy was too fast.
“No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!! Why is this happening??!” Fluttershy chanted as she fled the guards. She realized that she was being chased though. As she dodged tree after tree, she could hear the leaves around her rustle as they passed through them. She heard one of the guards shout from behind her:
“Never mind lying to her anymore, just grab her!” Flying straight up, to the canopy, Fluttershy chanted her mantra once more: “Why me, why me!?!” She broke through the top of the trees, cringing from the sudden abundance of sunlight. She looked over Equestria, only to dive further into panic.
Ponyville was gone.

Chapter Two

Tears started streaming down her face once more as she saw the current state of Ponyville. Most of the buildings were demolished but there were a few that were still burning, or still being destroyed. She could make out corpses laying about the streets, the corpses of both Ponies and animals. Fluttershy gasped in horror. Her whole town was gone.
She got caught up in her mourning, and was captured by the pegasi. They held her tighter than before, although Fluttershy wasn’t fighting it anymore. She felt defeated, harrowed by the possibility that everyone she knows is dead. Fluttershy was dragged into a small cottage, and dropped on the floor. A light shone in the room from a single hanging bulb. The warm light did not do much to help her familiarize her with her surroundings. She heard hooves on the floor, walking in her direction. She looked up at whom approached her, shocked by whom she saw. Fluttershy looked up at Apple-Jack, confused and frightened. Apple-Jack didn’t look happy to see her friend in this cottage.
“It didn’t have to be this way Fluttershy,” said Apple-Jack, who currently seem slightly irritated, “I didn’t want it to be like this...nothing like this...”
“What are you talking about Apple-Jack? Whats going on?” Fluttershy whispered. “Have you seen Ponyville? It’s gone, all gone!” she politely shouted. “There were bodies, an-”
“I know Fluttershy, I know.” Her voice then grew quiet, to little more than a whisper, “If I could have had it any other way, I would hav-” Her words were cut short by a scratching sound from somewhere in the room.
“What was that Apple-Jack? Were you defying me? Cause if you were....” Growled a deep, frightening voice from an unknown part of the room. Then the sound of claws scratching across wood filled the room, causing both Apple-Jack and Fluttershy to look up to the corner of the room. Their gaze was met by two red glowing eyes, staring back at them from the celling. The creature moved closer to them, revealing himself in the light of the room.
Spike, no longer the baby dragon he used to be, crawled along the top of of the small cottage. Spike had grown, and now he was at least eight feet tall, and his skin had seemed to have hardened into armor. His teeth had grown longer and appeared razor sharp. Spike dropped from the roof, landing on his hind feet, and staying on them. He walked towards the two, and only then did Fluttershy see how much he truly had changed. Spike looked extremely strong, and his eyes looked vacant, and evil. “Why hello Fluttershy! Recognize me?!” He shouted, his voice bordering on a guttural growl. “I have changed, a little since we last met...”
Fluttershy was extremely scared, and extremely confused. She looked around the room again, looking to no avail for an escape route. Her eyes landed back on Spike’s. She looked deeper into his eyes. His pupils were dilated to were Fluttershy couldn’t even see his irises anymore. She looked deeper into the pitch black pits that were his eyes. She didn’t see the reflection of the room in them, but saw a reflection of what had to have been the past...

Chapter 3

Fluttershy was taken back, into what must have been a flashback. She looked around her, studying her surroundings for a clue as to were she was. The earth was scorched, with what little plant-life there was burning down to ash. There didn’t seem to be anypony around her, but she heard sounds, what sounded like a battle. She looked up at the sky, and saw what was really happening. Above her was a war. A war of dragons, and pegasi. Both species flew quickly across the sky, individual pairs of both species intertwined, spinning about each other, locked in battle. Blood was falling, spattering the ground, covering the bodies of the fallen warriors, both dragon and pegasi. But still, as many corpses that littered the ground, there were still hundreds of soldiers in the sky. Fluttershy could tell that the time period was long ago, before the time of harmony amongst all pony species. Fluttershy then understood what was happening. The pegasi were killing the dragons out of their natural habitat so that they could live there. She could also tell that the pegasi were winning. The dragons were loosing quickly, and Fluttershy was being brought back to her time, traveling quickly through history back to the cottage in which she was imprisoned.

Chapter Four

Fluttershy was looking back Spike, and the confused look on his face. “What was that? What did you just do?!” He shouted at her. Fluttershy hung her head, starting to understand what was happening here. Spike was angry. A bloodlust thousands of years old had been awakened in Spike and Fluttershy didn’t think there was anything she could do to stop it. Spike had started to calm down, realizing nothing important had happened. He turned back to Apple-Jack. “So what was that you were planning to do? Plotting against me was it?” he said with a step towards her. Apple-Jack coward back, making herself as small as possible. Near crying, she stuttered,
“Nothing! I-I-I wasn’t p-p-lotting!! I didn’t do anything!”
She started to break down, crying. “I did what you told me to do! N-Nothing more!”
“Don’t lie to me Apple-Jack, you remember what I did to the last pony whom defied me.”
“Oh please no!” Apple-Jack cried out, “Please!” Spike took a full step forward, halving the distance between the two of them.
“I do believe you have no use to me anymore.” Spike spoke, his voice quiet. He leaped forward, arms outstretched towards Apple-Jacks neck. She barely had time to react before he had already torn a large gash all the way across her throat. She started to fall, trying to scream, but no sound came from her throat, only blood. She slipped in her own blood, which was pooling fast at her feet, and fell face first onto the floor. She turned her head outward, towards Fluttershy, looked her in the eye, coughed up a mouthful of her blood, and died.
Spike stood a few feet from the body, where he had watched the entire thing, emotionless and silent. The blood from his claws dripped onto the floor. The only thing that broke his attention from his victim was the sound of Fluttershy crying, and then feinting. “Wake up!” he shouted viciously. He jumped over to Fluttershy, and shook her by the shoulders. “Wake up now!!” Fluttershy started to come to, barely aware of what was even happening anymore, the shock desensitizing her.
“Wha-a-t do you want fro-o-m m-m-eeeeee?” she cried, her voice barely above a whisper. Spike turned her head to face him, to make her look him in the eye. He spoke back, just as softly:
“There is going to be a war Fluttershy, and you are making the first move.”

Chapter Five

Fluttershy blacked out again. She heard a voice, the one from the white, round room. “Awaken now Fluttershy, now they cannot harm you. Awaken quickly, for we need to speak to you.”
“Where am I?” Fluttershy sleepily said as she rose. “Who are you?”
“Never mind who we are, we just want to help you.”
“Where am I though?”
“Inside of your mind, we have came to speak to you when you fell unconscious.” the Blue Orb said.
“Were was I the last time I saw you? I was in this...room thing, not like now, right?”
“The room you were in does not exist on the realm that you do, Pony-Kind cannot access the 9th realm. We brought you into it of our will, and we sent you out of it when you were in danger. Now please, stop asking questions, so we can explain some things.”
“You don’t need to explain...all my friends are dead...There is a war!!!” she quietly shouted, starting to cry again. “Spike, has gone mad!!”
“No. Not all of your friends are dead. This was has been in the making for a long time Fluttershy. It is a part of the prophecy. As are you.”
“What? How could I do anything? Spike said I was going to play a part in the war! He sai-”
“Spike is not aware of your importance in all of this. He plans to use you to help attack Cloudsdale, to lead the first strike. But this is not your destiny. You can stop all of this, and save all of Pony-Kind. It may be to late for some of your friends, but you must be proactive in all of this. You can stop this before to much blood is shed, for without you, the casualty rate will be in the thousands.”
“How though?” Fluttershy whispered, her voice strained.
“You just need to trust in yourself Fluttershy, believe in your element, believe in Kindness, for in the end it shall prevail. Believe Fluttershy...” The orb started to dim, and fade to a darker color. Fluttershy didn’t


and that is all I have

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Re: Should I continue?

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